Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
