My cat gives me a boner
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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