listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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