There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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