I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
