Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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