i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
