Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
