I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She bit a glass in half.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
