he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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