i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
