I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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