Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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