i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
