Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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