i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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