Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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