And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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