I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
