If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
