see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize