I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You pole danced in your parka.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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