The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize