my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
