even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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