Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
