I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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