how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
