worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
