I looked at my own cervix.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
