Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize