Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
