Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
