peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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