I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
