My Higher Power is John Stamos
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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