I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
