My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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