i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
