just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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