So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
