last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
