If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
