Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
