her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
