Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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