so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
