I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
