did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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