The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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