dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
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