Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
