btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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