its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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