Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
