You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My breasts were aching with rage.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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