I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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