Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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